2003.

2003 was the year of changes; it was a time for learning and unlearning, new experiences, self-knowledge, and the remaking and unmaking of myself and my relationships. I don't think I had much of a 'real' choice in what happened - the paths I've walked were in a sense, inevitable. But also, I tried to understand why this journey (as opposed to the other non-choice of just drifting along) with its myriad paths that crossed or led to one another, is a worthwhile one - though now, it consumes all my energy as I struggle past the clutter of my old self to emerge to the other side.

It's inevitable too that my interactions with people would undergo major changes - I define and am defined by my relationships. Though I count few as my friends, my relationships tend to be intense - while they last, anyway. The end of a love relationship started a chain reaction of changes. In the past year and a half, I lost my soulmate, saw a long friendship sorely tested, and recently broke personal ties with a friend.

Of the dear friend and lover, enough has been written. I have moved on in my own time. Perhaps, a few chance encounters (depending on whether you believe in coincidences), brief as they were, helped me to loosen my desperate grip on the past, and gave me the newfound confidence to venture into the uncertain future.

Of the decade long friendship that tried, and is still trying, to become something else, let's just say a one-legged race is not everyone's cup of tea. Making his intentions known so soon after the break-up was a miscalculated risk - my affections are not elastic - but Sean said, after everything, that he had suspected this even while we were still together. Unfortunately, my first instinct in such situations is to bolt - a misfired SMS from yours sincerely led to his self-righteous denials and drunken confessions. Though I wished I could have handled this without hurting my friend, albeit unintentionally, things that I shouldn't have said (well, not in the aforementioned manner anyhow) led to other things that he shouldn't have said. The subsequent time-out has allowed some wounds to heal, but I know he's not what I need and want in my life - let's just say it's a difference in personalities; he might be the same person, but I've changed, especially in the last year. So, I don't understand why this situation is still hobbling along, in spite of the uncanny coincidences that have happened. And because he's not aware of the events on my side, he is convinced that those that he is aware of signal that the situation is in his favour. Sigh. Perhaps, the lesson is no longer meant for me.

Of the friendship that is no more, it has been two years in the unmaking. It need not have ended the way it has. I realised things about myself that are not flattering, which I'm ashamed of and am trying to understand and unlearn. People ask me if the situation could have been salvaged otherwise - probably not. Though I should not have stirred the pot - who am I to judge another - what bubbled up was not pleasant. I guess a friendship of mutual convenience, albeit an inequitable one, would not have worked in the long term, especially when the one in the backstage starts to shine, to the envy and bitter resentment of the one who has always been in the spotlight. "You have everything now. Let me have something to call my own."

In the midst of all these, another long friendship was deepened and the bond strengthened, and it continues to help me to understand what has happened, and to teach me about myself.

On to lighter matters, the third date for the year did happen - not with the person I thought, who's really not worth all that inexplicable and tiring hit-and-run messaging anyway. The guy (from Friendster) was pleasant company, and though I don't think anything romantic would happen, we still chat online. It's actually nice when people are still interested in you as a person, even though you are a few centimetres taller than them, in flats.

Going into 2004, I'm mentally prepared but also more anxious about what awaits me - more changes, more upheavals, but hopefully, better tidings? I guess it can't be that bad when you already have two dates lined up in January. Heh.